Thursday, September 25, 2008

Panic Attack in 3...2...1....

The other day at lunch one of my coworkers was telling us about finding a snake in her basement. Let's just say that I'm not a fan of snakes and the whole story creeped me out. Blech. Full body shivers. I hate snakes.

I get home from work that very same day, pull into the garage and head for the steps to the kitchen door. As I was taking that first step up I noticed a piece of black hose or rope or something lying next to the step(and subsequently, my foot).

In under three seconds my thought process went something like this...

"where'd that come from"

"what is that anyway"

glance back down

"Debbie had a snake in her house yesterday"

"could that be a...naw..."


glance down once more

the frickin' thing moves

"*&^*)^^%$##!!!!!!"

"SNAKE!"

By this time I'm up the four stairs and on the stoop.

So I BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! with both fists on the door, meanwhile my feet are going a hundred miles an hour. Like a cartoon character, I'm running as fast as I possibly can(in heels, mind you), but I'm not moving forward because I am on the stoop and there are only two places to go.
  1. into the house...but the door is locked and I, in my panic, have lost the ability to put the key into the lock, turn the doorknob, and open the door.
  2. back down the steps...to where the giant evil snake that is certain to coil itself into attack mode and strike me dead in two seconds flat awaits.
My only option was number 1, hence the beating on the door-cartoon running in place- screaming at the very top of my lungs fit that ensued.

"AAAAAAHHHHH" "MAAARRRKKKK!!! SSSSNNNNNNAAAAAAAKKKKKKEEEEEEE! SSSSNNNNAAAAKKKEEEE!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" "SSSSNNNNAAAKKKEEEE!!!!"

In reality the snake looked very much like this...which is bad enough.In my mind it looked more like this...I was still screaming and doing the "there's a snake in the garage dance" when we went back to try and find the snake...it had made its way under the stoop and into all of the junk that we have piled there so it took a little digging to find. Of course it didn't help me that ever so often Mark would thrust the rake handle at me and go "Rar!". It took ten minutes, but he did manage to wrangle the snake. "KILL IT! YOU HAVE TO CUT OFF IT'S HEAD!" I'd yell, but he didn't. He tossed the wretched beast into a wooded area of the yard away from the house.

SO yesterday the same co-worker who had the snake in her basement tells us that she found ANOTHER one in her BEDROOM the night before. Oh. Dear. Lord.

I was driving home from work yesterday thinking about Debbie and the snake in her bedroom and the snake in my garage and wondering what I would do if there was one in the house, slowly beginning to panic once again.

Suddenly, the scene from PeeWee's Big Adventure when Pee Wee runs into the burning pet shop popped into my head. I laughed like an idiot the rest of the way home and my panic lessened considerably. But I still slept with one eye open last night.

5 comments:

Misty said...

i'm so sorry, but i laughed.so.hard at this... but only b/cs i'm terrified as well... i just think scared reactions are hilarious. case in point: last night i saw a skink in my bathroom and had to tell myself over and over it couldnt hurt me, but when i washed my hands i leaned over the sink and the waistband of mt pjs resettled... reimagine your stoop scenario but i was locked inside w the poor lizard!

Fiona @ Dragonfly-Crafts said...

OMG! You poor girl! I hate them too and I would be out of the house if there was one in there.
I had one in my car (dead) but I didn't know it at the time. I left my car in the gutter of the road with doors opened, handbag & briefcase inside and got my son to dispose of it...... I HATE them.

Yarni Gras! said...

I almost wet my pants. ALMOST. I haven't laughed that hard in a while!
Snakes don't bother me (I had horses, so I had snakes...) but I do get a good giggle when others freak out.
Poor thing. The snake...I mean....he probably thought you were some witch doctor come to do the heebee jeebee on his head!

Pinky said...

Oh lady!
I could just see your feet moving at high speed cartoon rate!
I bet you banged a dent in that door!
That snake went home and told his wife that some crazy lady scared him to DEATH.
whew.
That was good.
Kellie...I woulda done the exact same thing..but I woulda cussed the whole time.

And Pee Wee is good for decreasing all anxiety, except when I picture him in a dark movie theater. ewwww.
hahahahaha.

Scott and Jackie Newman said...

"^%#$%$&#@!!!!" <--- Exactly what I would have said.

YIKES!!! Bless your heart. I'll pray for ya. ;)